This is going to be the last journal entry









.






-brought to you from the place I called home.



That basically means I am going to move,
today,
in about three hours,
into a faraway world where nothing will be as before,
with faes dancing under streetlamps
and dragons flying upon the sky.


My feelings about moving are mixed,
basically because I've never moved before.
I grew up in this house and the one thing that troubled me the most up to now - concerning living - was that I moved from the room I lived in as child into another, bigger one.

Knowing myself it will take a lot of time to get used to that new environment,
new people
new shops and streets and trees and birds and windows,

not even the rain will be the same anymore.

I have to admit that I'm a bit afraid.



On the other hand I am looking forwards to that new place,
especially because it offers me a whole lot of freedom
that I've never known to that extent up to now.




.




_{There's a lot to do in the new place,
painting walls,
getting the furniture together,
choosing curtains,
putting all the things I have in somehow,
decorating,
things.
end.
I'll take pictures when it's done.}






.




This might be a pretty uninteresting journal,
I just needed a place to leave a goodbye to my old world,
since none of my friends bothered to show up and say a real goodbye yet,
and I doubt that any of the will within the next couple of hours.


It's marvelous when one can't count on friends in such a situation, right?


So,
basically I'm leaving the current reality without any real goodbye
because there's just noone to say bye to.


However.








- The weather sucks pretty much.

There's this monster sitting under my bed
and at night it starts laughing
until it finally falls asleep.
Snoringly.

At daytime it eats the feathers from my pillow and the dustbunnies that breed in corners.

I'm alright with the dustbunny thing,
it spares me a whole lot of dust-busting,
but my pillow suffers a little.
And I fear it accidentally ate my shoelaces.

Or where would shoelaces go?

I have been looking for new shoes for quite some time,
but the good ones hide whenever I enter a shop,
and so I am still kind of shoe-less. Shoe-lace.
I bought new shoelaces instead, for my vans,
and now I have a shoe-lace-less pair of vans eventually.
I can't remember where I put the shoelaces,
they maybe escaped through an open window
or managed to arrange a meeting with the vacuum cleaner while I was spring-cleaning my place from top to bottom two days ago.
What a pity.
I'm doomed to wear warm winter boots all summer long.



Last week I walked home from the train station,
I had just come back from university,
and the sun was shining and it was incredibly hot,
eventhough a strong wind was blowing.
20 minutes
and
a bottle of water later I got tired of walking and decided to wait for the next bus,
my home is nearly an hour-walk away from the station, so using the bus makes sense after all.
I sat on a particular bus station bench, in the wind,
in the sun,
and next to me sat an old lady with her obese dog and a young asian-looking girl with a tan.

I happened to look at my arm because I feared to get sunburned,
and I realized my skin was sparkling.
Not as in certain movies ofcourse,
not that much,
but there were little shiny, sparkling dots all over,
and I thought maybe the author of Twilight has a point there,
and the sparkling vampires don't seem half as overdone to me anymore as they did before,
because such a thing as skin sparkling in sunlight obviously exists.
I looked at the tanned girl next to me, her skin did not sparkle at all,
so it must be a phenomenon that only appears on very light skin.
_{(People with pale skin check it out please.)}
Fascinating.

Maybe I'm related to vampires or
tooth fairies.
If they sparkled at all.




_{I really would like to try some new creative things these days,
I've been sticking to half-realistic drawings and paintings and a little comic stuff all my life,
and maybe it's time to do something new.
Experiments in terms of art have never really been my friends so far,
I'm not the kind of artist who just does has they please without looking forward to a certain result,
but I hope doing that exactly helps to develop myself and my abilities a little.
I sometimes feel like I am stuck,
and that's terrible.
Development, I'm coming!}




I'm chocolate addicted,
by the way.



.

++++++++++++++++++ADVERTISING++++++++++++++++++++++++

has started her "When you're evil" contest,
would anyone want to participate?
It's not about winning,
in my opinion,
just
about participating, having some fun and doing what we're all here for: arts.
The more people join, the funnier it will be!

You find the contest and the rules
here
if you're interested


END



There's nothing much to say apart from the above at the moment.
Vacations are over soon.
Weather is nice.

So what?

.. and dream I do.



Or did.



Of becoming an artist one day.

Of being able to do arts that makes people drop their jaws.

Of being contend with my own works some day, standing infront and saying "I think it turned out quite good."




But the dream passed away before it really started, it seems.
I gave up on it.



I quit studying arts, officially, byebye arts school. There's no turning back anymore.
Maybe its better like that,
arts school was really not what I had expected, I didn't learn anything new, I didn't even get the chance.
They, in their arrogance and ignroance, see themselves just as a place for artists to share their work, not as school, yet they give you a mark at the end of the 2nd semester and tell you you suck when you do something wrong.
But learning you don't do nothing at all.
I really don't need that.
I thought I might be able to improve that way, but it seems it was the wrong choice and way to go and the logical consequences for me were, are to quit and walk another path.
Not arts.




I am thinking about to quit from the arts field completely.
To put the pencil down, never ever taking it up again.
I have the feeling I am stuck and I also have the feeling what I do, here, there, wherever, is for nothing and nobody really knows to appreciate when someone has no such cool, useful talent as science stuff, computers, whatever. When you're good in arts they all just smile and leave. They may find the picture pretty ...but really interested? Not them. Not anyone.
I have been doing arts just for myself for a long time, but it's as senseless as writing a novel and locking it in a drawer, as doing sports on a high level for a century and never taking part in any competition eventhough you could.
The motivation just fades.
And mine is gone.
And I am not forcing it back.
I am sick of it.
Sick of people.
And sick of dA as well these days
for even here nobody really cares much,
just when you're doing yaoi crap, anthro wolves and nude photos with anorexic wannabe-models.
I may quit dA completely, I cannot say that yet, but at the moment I really don't wanna put any effort into something that has always just been a disappointment. Why upload something to the internet when nobody's interested in it anyways. I can as well just hang the pictures on my wall.
Sure,
you may say now " it's art, it's a hobby, it's for ones self, not for others."
Yea, good, and? Why are all the people here then and upload pics?
Surely their only motivation is that they would like to mingle with other artists just for the sake of it....
Ofcourse. Who believes that nowadays?
However, nobody ever reads these journals so why bother to write.
And in case one happend to read it, which is rare, peope are too lazy to leave a goddamn comment. Thanks. I love you, too.
This will be the last one, tho, no further bothering, no further need to read, no further energy wasted on putting letters together to words and sentences.




Whatever.




That's it.

Stress is one of my closest friends these days, not a real friend, rather an unpleasent visitor that doesn't know when it's time to leave.
It keeps following me everywhere.

mental pressure does the description of the word stress say.
And that's what it is indeed.




My semester exams are coming in a few weeks and the amount of work is incredible, I have trouble with where to start and what to do first, next, and so on.
I always just picked out small bits of the whole, like trying to get done with a puzzle when you just take out 1 or two pieces out of the box a day. My puzzle is a big one and I hope to find more time to concentrate on it soon.
I would really enjoy to do something else instead, something that I like, love,
Like drawing, going out, cinema, anything,
But whenever there's a bit of time left it's necessary to study.


I am and never have been someone who studied and learned a lot.
I never saw the necessity.
I was never longing for the very best grades, why get an A when a B gets you everywhere as well?
I think I am a bit lazy.
I could be better in many things when I would just put more effort into them, but the bad side, the sloth side keeps winning.
I have goals that I want to acchieve,
dreams and plans, ofcourse,
everyone has them.
But I keep losing interest in reaklly going for them easily as soon as difficulties appear on my way.
It's like trying climbing up the Mount Everest and already turning round and going back home as soon as your flight ( to the Mount Everest) is late.



I am not a very good example to the world, I fear.
I know it, and I told myself to make it better, but I recognize it didn't really happen yet.
My interests are just not congruent with what one needs to do.
And with what is required for the moment.

I'm looking for a way out of misery.




Back to mental pressure.
I have it since a couple of weeks already,
and it doesn't do me very good.
It causes nighmares, at the most.
I couldn't sleep for over two weeks
because at nights I woke up from dreams that were so real and yet so very strange, they would never happen like that in reality.
They scared me.
They still do, and it always takes a couple of days until I can leave them behind.

The first row of nightmares stopped when I was done with an important project and finally presented it, the pressure, stress, was gone and I was relieved.

The second row started a few days ago.
I am a little afraid of tonight,
maybe I will just not go to sleep before sunrise,
to avoid being in a dark room with a nightmare sitting under my bed, watching and waiting until I closed my eyes.
Sleeping at daytime seems safer for now.



The pressure comes and goes.


In a few weeks



it will be over.



Hopefully.






<sub>I couldn't do much concerning arts recently,
but there's soemthing new to come for sure.
I just bought copic markers

(god, they are so expensive!)

but still need some more colours.
I started a picture, just to try them, and up to now it looks acceptable, but it isnt even half finished, so who know swhat will happen when I mess around with more colours and tries and effects.
It took me quite some time to figure out the right technique, eventhough I've had copic markers years ago.
But I was young then.. and my style nowadays is a different one.

Sometimes it's fun to look at really old pieces of artwork that I did in 2000 or even before.
They were very dark,
not because I was much into dark things ( oh I was, but that's another story), but because one day I found out that people like to look at such things, more than looking at a drawing/painting that may show something great but without the atmosphere of something terrifying, cruel or melancholic.
It was "in" back in those days.


My arts teacher at middle school thought he was a great psychologist and tried to analyze my pictures and look into my soul.
It was funny, he talked about family and childhood and how I see myself
and none of it was true.

I think it left a very strange impression on his side, based on pure guessing and wrong interpretation,
but people are like that.
They see something,
hear soemthing,
don't bother to ask any further questions
or to think about reasons and what's behind
and just take it for granted.


Will they ever learn?</sub>




Last night I thought about aliens, after I woke up from a nightmare.
I don't know how, but it just came to my mind.
I wondered what may happen to the world if one day aliens would arrive at our planet.
Many things would change, religions wouldn't make sense anymore all of the sudden, people would need to get a completely new point of view about the world, the universe.
I wondered what they would, could look like
but it was hard to imagine something that's not related to shapes, things, beings that I already know. Animals or plants.

And I also wondered about why in scinece fiction movies aliens and their space ships are often very clean, well structured, bright -white, light blue, soft ligh and so on- and look so smooth and round and everything.
It's what humans tend to find aesthetic, but may aliens think like that as well?

What if aliens are messy? Throw their clothes on the ground, come with dirty, old, wrecked spaceships in red and green and leave toxics in the air that are even worse than what comes out of a car?
What if they aren't slim and elegant and tall and white-skinned and big-eyed?
They may look like a big blob of molten cheese or may have more wrinkles and spots than anyone can imagine.
They may have hair everywhere.

I am curious about it.

I honestly believe there is a possibility that something like aliens exist.
I don't want that huge, night-black thing over my head to be empty, apart from those who live on earth, whose number is irrelevant measured at the size of the universe and the number of stars and planets and suns out there.


I wish i was an alien.

Hah.


I am.






_{I wanna say thank you to everyone who visits my site, comments and faves or is just there when I need someone.
Thank you all very much, I really appreciate it, eventhough I do not always express it directly.
I love you, I just feel weird to say it all of the time or to answer "thank you" to every comment. It seems like a standard, something that isn't really meant as it's said.
Well, I really mean it.
And I really try to keep up answering to comments, or commenting to journals, pictures, of friends.}





Good Morning.
Good Night.